WHAT IS KERRY'S DISEASE OR SYNDROME?
WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS?
WHAT ARE THE CLINICAL SIGNS?
WHY IS IT INCURABLE?
WHAT KIND OF PERSON IS MOST LIKELY TO BE INFECTED WITH THE DISEASE?
WHY DO ALL NEW ENGLANDERS LOOK ALIKE?
All these questions, and more, will be answered in the discussion below. SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Failure to pay close attention can lead to contracting Kerry's Disease.
After his dismal performance as Democratic nominee for president of the
United States in 2004 against the hopelessly befuddled but transplanted
fellow-New Englander, George W. Bush, you'd think Mr. John Kerry would
call it quits and retire to the dignified life of a man who married a
billionairess-widow and Catsup Queen. No. Having Kerry's Syndrome
means you can't do anything like normal people. It may be that his
unfortunate heiress-wife, Maria Teresa Thierstein Simoes-Ferreira Heinz
(f/k/a Kerry) just doesn't want him around in an effort to distance him
away from Heinz family recipes, or, just maybe, she doesn't want to add
to her breast cancer woes with contamination by Kerry's Syndrome. Who
knows?
Like his insipid opponent, John Kerry is a New Englander who has odd
geographical pedigrees. Bush is from an old Connecticutian family which
managed to reinvent itself in Texas, hence, Mr. Bush's obviously fake
Texan drawl. And, just like Bush, Mr. Kerry managed to arrange his own
birth in Aurora, Colorado, at the Fitzsimmons Army Hospital for Wealthy
White Freaks.
His wife, Maria Teresa, true to her Heinz legacy, is of at least 57
varieties with the most recognizable being Portugese, French, German,
Italian, Mozambiquian, Nepalese, Egyptian, English, Maltese, Polynesian,
Inuit and, of course, Jewish. She was a Republican while married to
former super rich husband, John Heinz III, until his tragic helicopter
crash into a vat of pork and beans on April 4, 1991. (think: Adnan
Khairallah) Tragic for John, a windfall for Teresa. In any case, the
74 year old Mrs. Heinz-Kerry (like Hamlet's mother) didn't wait for the
funeral dinner to cool before she started courting the moose-jowled John
Kerry. She even changed her name from Heinz to Kerry during the 2004
election and registered herself as a Democrat until her husband botched
the election. After that she dumped her membership in the NDP and took
back her Heinz name.
John Kerry himself is no slouch when it comes to anomalies. He claims to have a B.A. in political science from Yale (GWB's alma mater), yet, he demonstrates consistent mutton-headedness in all matters political. And, he also claims he did two tours of duty in Vietnam as a naval officer - the second being in a swift boat in the Mekong Delta where, myth has it, he single-handedly saved the life of a wounded S.F. operative by pulling him out of danger amidst a fusillade of lead unleashed by those pesky Viet Cong. Patriot!! Sounds good for a run for office, right? But, it was puzzling how during the elections of 2004, Mr. Kerry did nothing to rebut accusations of fraud and fabrication by other swift boat veterans leaving many people with the impression his entire career in Vietnam was invented by Danny the Syrian. Leaving aside the Bronze and Silver Stars and the Combat V ("v" is for venal) he received for being the son of a wealthy, white, Catholic career foreign service officer, his three Purple Hearts had his supporters wondering if his injuries could have been treated with a tube of Unguentine and a bandage. At least Senator Bob Dole had an amputated arm to show for his military service - Mr. Kerry could only show us his patented jowly beagle frown
After losing the 2004 elections in a degrading defeat at the hands of an alcoholic, draft-dodging, inarticulate louse like George W. Bush, one would have to assume Mr. Kerry would just get out of everyone's hair and go back to a life of skiing and dilettantishness at his Idaho chateau....Not so lucky....Enter War Criminal Obama.
Not satisfied with the reprehensible record established by Mrs Clinton as Secretary of State, President Obama, looked around for the next best loser to appoint. Mrs. Clinton, who racked up more frequent flier miles while counting clouds and her husband's philanderings through the airplane window (remember she won SyrPer's 2012 Imelda Marcos Award!), would be a hard act to follow for someone as poorly designed for strategic thinking as Mr. Kerry. Our sources report Mr. Kerry has vowed to outstrip Mrs. Clinton's record for frequent flier miles but he promised he would not run for president in 2016.
Now he has announced his intent to give greater assistance in overthrowing the government of a sovereign nation in violation of every international law relevant to war crimes and crimes against humanity. Oh, he thinks he's so clever with the talk about "non-lethal" aid and all that other palaver. But everyone knows that he will look aside at Saudi Arabia's, Qatar's and Turkey's arming of the criminal terrorists in Al-Qaeda and the FSA while his so very smart "experts" teach the rodents how to use the weapons in training camps run by his American factotums in Jordan and Turkey. So, then, what is Kerry's Disease?
We asked Dr. Bruno Mussendenhier of the Freitag University School of Medicine and Aberrant Sciences about the signs and symptoms. Dr. Mussendenhier listed the following signs:
"The first is a look of confusion, bewilderment, really, accompanied by a dropping of the jaw and raising of both eyebrows when faced with a difficult question about people he views as inferior - people he was born to ignore.
The second is marriage to an older woman with great wealth - a woman capable of anything to advance her husband's career including changing her last name for a few months and joining a political party she finds abhorrent.
The third is concocting a fantasy built upon heroic accomplishments for the sake of flag and country. The syndrome really comes into full bloom the moment the patient is asked to explain the heroic acts and where they took place.
The fourth is corollary to the third: the patient accepts the fact that nobody believes him and goes on as though nothing happened.
The fifth is the sociopathology of the disease. The patient doesn't really care about any one's views of him because, in his mind, he is wealthy and beyond reproach. The patient practices betrayal and accepts it indifferently."
"What about the symptoms, Doctor.?"
"Oh, the patient will feel that superiority, of course, but often expresses an interest in how much money your mother has, for example....or your dowager aunt.
"Other symptoms include "adoptive chronic obsessive impulses". This means he would absorb a superior's own obsessions. For example, Mr. Kerry could be expected to hate President Bashar Al-Assad for his blue eyes even though Mr. Kerry has blues eyes too. However, Mr. Obama does not, obviously, and harbors a grudge toward the Syrian president. This issue will drive American foreign policy toward Syria."
"The patient can be expected also to "adopt" other presidents' obsessions. Why a few days ago at a press conference, Mr. Kerry held a press conference with French foreign minister, Laurent Fabius. Mr. Fabius told him that Francois Hollande expressed an interest in Dr. Assad's beautiful wife, Asma, and resented having to sleep with some "German" hag and "that scaggy Segolene". Well, Mr. Kerry, agreed that Mrs. Assad would have to date Mr. Hollande and bear illegitimate children for him or the `terrorism must go on'."
"Also," continued Dr. Mussendenhier, "All people with Kerry's Syndrome are from New England and look exactly the same. It's the `Dead Ringer' element.
In conclusion, it appears that Mr. Kerry's fight with his own eponymous syndrome may herald a new age in American diplomatic ineptitude and clumsiness. Only time will tell. ZAF
